Hannah

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GM-09 - On June 20th 2003 a British woman, Hannah, posted a message on a forum, called LogicalReality.com that is now offline. It was archived at: http://web.archive.org/web/200503251147 ... 424&page=1

Here is Hannah's long message

As a child I had sex with adults

Heya everyone

I'm a woman of 33 living in the UK. I'm married, two children, and I guess I've got a pretty good life, so I thought it may be of interest here to recount my own experiences and how they have shaped my current views, as I remember being aware of sex as something that was somehow 'naughty but special' from quite a young age, maybe about 5 years old.

I'm an only child, and was living with my single mum, seeing my Dad every week or two. We had several neighbours that had kids around my age so I was never lonely or short of playmates. We lived in a two bedroom terraced house, in a long road of similar houses, and our gardens backed onto a large area we called 'the dump' - overgrown scrubland, covered in bushes, trees, etc., ideal for us kids to play, make secret dens and hideouts.

This was also the perfect area for us to play 'show me' and 'doctors and nurse' type games with our friends. Although these involved both looking and touching, I didn't really equate this to being the same kind of 'sex thing' that I considered was somehow an adult secret.

When I was about six, my friend Karen and I were hiding in one of our dens when an adult couple sat down in a nearby secluded clearing in the bushes and began canoodling. I guess they may have been teens or twenties - they were simply adults to us at that age. They hadn't noticed us hiding nearby and so we spied on them. We were absolutely rapt as they started heavy petting and the girl finally gave the bloke a blowjob. I was completely fascinated by his cock - I'd never seen an adult one before and couldn't believe men had something that had been so secret from me.

Of course, as soon as they had gone we went running back to tell all our mates, and despite being barely believed, the memory and fascination stayed vivid in my mind 

(Karenís too, but this is about me...:-) 

For the following year or so, I certainly paid more attention to watching and, when possible (e.g. when sitting on someone's lap) touching the crotch area of every man I met, though nothing much happened other than the odd red face from some male visitors, or an extra big cuddle from others.

The next thing to happen was about a year later. I remember exactly when - it was June, about a week after my seventh birthday and I'd been off school because I'd had measles.  - Despite having been vaccinated! My birthday party had been cancelled because of it and as I was recovering I was really looking forward to the re-scheduled party.

It was very warm and Mum had let me go out to play, so long as I stayed on the area of the dump we called the lanes. This was the area directly behind the houses - pathways through the undergrowth linking peoples back gates -and was considered pretty safe by most of our parents as it was so cut off from the outside world and pretty much within earshot of the houses.

I'd been wandering around the different paths, maybe a little too far out into the fields, imagining I was exploring somewhere, when I suddenly came across a man lying down in the grass. 

At first I thought he must be hurt or something, but at the same time couldn't have not noticed he had his erect cock out. I suppose traditional 'wisdom' says I should have been scared and run, but he wasn't threatening, and actually I was mostly fascinated, although somewhat confused by how come he was there. 

(It wasn't accidental of course - he'd seen me playing and laid down where he thought it was most likely I'd pass by).

After a few moments awkward silence he smiled and asked if I wanted to watch. Well despite warnings I'd had about 'strange men' etc., he just wasn't scary and I saw no reason not to. So I ended up sitting down next to him and watching while tossed off. As he did it he explained what he was doing, along with a lot of other 'sex secrets' that I was dying to hear.

I was really pleased with myself for having 'found' him, and when he asked If I'd like to meet again the next day to learn more I was over the moon.

Well, that meeting happened, and many more followed. His name was David and he was always very gentle and kind to me, and in the course of the next few weeks I was happily trying out all kinds of sex with him. Within the first few days he had contrived to 'accidentally' meet my Mum, and by the time of the school summer holidays he was a trusted enough friend to be asked to pop in and look after me occasionally while Mum was out.

It was on one of these afternoons that we first made love. Yes - you read that right, and NO I'm not making this up. 

We had been 'practising' for some time - that is I knew how to do it in theory, and considering everything he'd told me about how good it was, well, I really wanted to, but the problem was he wouldn't fit. So I'd been practising relaxing and getting used to being penetrated (by fingers, other objects, etc.). It had been slightly painful a few weeks before when we broke my hymen, but nothing really bad, and now I was really enjoying the feeling of having something moving in and out of me, and was keen to be able to 'do it' properly.

Now I'd particularly like to say to all those nay-sayers who claim, without any practical experience, that it's impossible for a girl of the age I was then to have intercourse - rubbish! David was not particularly small sexually either, not huge, but certainly a bit bigger than average

(and what the hell is average anyway? No-one seems to agree!)

Yes, it was somewhat uncomfortable the first time - not painful, but uncomfortable. 

(A little like being very constipated in the wrong place and in the wrong direction.) 

But with a lot of vaseline, plenty of time and gentle squeezing and pushing, it was also quite pleasurable in the sense of being an incredibly exciting and unusual feeling. 

Not especially sexually exciting to start with as a physical sensation, I preferred being stimulated by his tongue; I'd already had some orgasms that way

(yes - thatís right - at seven - research online a bit, youíll even find medical sources that admit itís possible) 

though the feelings I got through intercourse intensified pretty quickly over the following weeks as penetration became easier and deeper, and I had my first vaginal orgasm a few weeks later.

Over the few weeks leading up to that I'd told Karen about him and, at David's (and her) suggestion she had started to join us sometimes, at first just watching, then becoming involved - initially only wanking, but later giving and receiving oral sex. This went on for the length of the summer holidays (about six weeks) then sometime shortly before we went back to school she also started having full intercourse with him.

Now for some reason it hadn't bothered me to have Karen there watching us, or both her and I together messing around with David, or even watching her give him a blowjob or similar stuff; but once she started to have sex with him, I started to feel jealous. I guess looking back, I felt like she'd pinched my boyfriend or favourite toy even! Anyway David noticed this and tried to make it up to me, but I pretended it was all okay and things carried on like this for a while.

I should have mentioned, we had also done some 'shows' for want of a better word - for other girls we knew that we had told our 'secret' to. 

David had been pretty annoyed at first on finding we'd told anyone, but in the end he couldn't resist having sex with us while other girls around our age watched, and of course getting them to 'help out' (join in, in other words) whenever he could.

There were also more 'spin offs' from this that I don't have time to go into now 

(three or four girls who watched regularly also started having sex with older boys or men) 

but the main point is that one of them 'knew' that her uncle would be interested 

(he'd felt her up a few times and got her to feel him, but she'd never let it or wanted it to go further). 

Anyway she told him about us, and he soon started chatting to me and Karen whenever he got the chance.

He was actually a really funny bloke 

(made us laugh with lots of silly stories funny, not weird - funny!), 

very good looking, and, at 25, a fair bit younger than David (who was about 45). 

Though I didn't think of it that way at the time, I kind of think now that all that had a combined effect and I decided I was gonna get my own back by making him my boyfriend and then Karen would be jealous. Of course making him my boyfriend was far easier than I'd dared hope as he was already dying to get into my knickers.

I'd met him (his name was Carl btw) only about four or five times when he called out 'Hi' to me from the bottom of our garden. I ran down to him and I know I said something silly like 'hello sexy bum' that I immediately felt was really stupid and wished I hadn't said it. 

But of course I must have got really nice and very rude comments back from him because about two minutes later, I'd run up to the house and asked Mum if I could go round Nicole's to play (Nicole was his niece) already pretty sure of what sort of 'playing' he meant. Of course he'd asked me because the house was empty, not because Nicole wanted to play 

(Nicoleís Mum was Carl's older sister, and he had keys for her house because he often stopped in for a break, he was a delivery driver and came past most days).

Anyway, Nicole's house was about ten houses along, so it was just a few minutes later I ended up in her bedroom sucking Carl's cock and again, feeling really pleased with myself. 

Yes I know in the view of (sadly I think) many people, I was being used or even abused. But I'm sorry, I just can't see it like that. I was enjoying myself hugely, felt really good about myself and privileged that I was getting the chance to do what I wanted 

(even though I knew I wasn't really supposed to do it) 

and what made me feel good. I wasn't being forced

 (I was even taking the lead as much as I could)

and I think the main thing that makes girls feel bad about such experiences is that there is so much negative pressure from other people telling them it is bad. I'm afraid if you tell someone often enough that what they've done / want to do is bad then they will start to believe you.

Fortunately, at the time I simply felt it was a naughty but fun secret, and so I was just incredibly excited, like a kid at the fair, or, as I saw it, playing naughty fun games with a new special friend. 

I was a tiny bit disappointed he hadn't shagged me straight away but realised afterwards it was kind of my own fault. When we'd got there the pretence was 

(and we both knew wasn't true) 

that he had a new toy for me, and of course I'd said something like 'show it to me', he'd said it's in here and so I'd unzipped him and got his cock out. Within a minute or so I'd started sucking him and hadn't stopped till he'd cum. It was only afterwards we were laying on the bed and he'd started playing with my pussy he realised that the story he'd heard just bits of through Nicole was more true than he'd even hoped and asked if I thought I'd be able to shag him.

Being - as they say nowadays - young, hung, and full of cum, he didn't have any problem getting it up again and shortly I was feeling like the most important girl in the world and thinking of what it'd be like telling Karen all about it. He was better at it than David too. 

David used to lay down and I always used to be on top 

(though that was partly him being concerned - he didn't want to hurt me by pushing in too far and that way I had most control) 

but it meant I had to do most of the work, jiggling up and down on him like a little jack rabbit. With Carl that first time he picked me up bodily, lowered me gently onto him 

(he was sat on the edge of the bed) 

then bounced the whole of me up and down. 

(Kind of back to the kid on a ride at the fair thing!)

Anyway, it took me a week or two to get the courage to tell David and stop having sex with him, but funnily enough when I saw Karen I didn't want to get my own back at her anymore, so I was really nice to her about it. 

From then on, me and Carl probably had sex of one kind or another at least a couple of times a week for the next year or so 

(usually once at Nicole's and once in his delivery van) 

Then his delivery round got changed, and a while after that we also nearly got caught by his Nicole's Mum 

(she was just suspicious mostly - she came back unexpectedly and found us in Nicole's room one time - we weren't doing anything and he said he'd just taken me up there to look for a book I thought I loaned to Nicole, but we must've looked guilty or something and we didn't do it there again). 

So after that we still did it, but maybe only six times in the next year, and I started doing it with David and Karen again.

At some point over this time my Mum had also got suspicious that something was happening, but I didn't think at the time, or for years afterwards, that she even had a clue what was really happening. 

It was only last year when we were having a slightly drunk and giggly Mum and daughter heart to heart that she let on she'd suspected something about David and me from about the October of that first year. Yes, she'd been shocked at what just might be happening, and worried of course, but she wasn't at all sure at first either, and also knew that I seemed so happy all the time, and especially when with him, so she felt strangely ambiguous about it.

Apparently as she gradually became more sure that something was going on she also felt less inclined to do anything that might upset what was clearly a very happy relationship for me. So when she did finally find out for sure 

(apparently there was a time we thought she was asleep on the sun lounger she had come in to go to the loo and glimpsed me rubbing his cock through the crack in the door) 

she decided to keep quiet and only say anything if my responses to her hints and questions gave her the feeling I was in any way bothered or upset.

Obviously I wasn't, and I LOVE her SO much for that and for not doing anything. I hate to think how f****d-up I might be now if she'd made a major issue out of it and all the repercussions that I would have had to go through if she had.

Hmm - there's a lot more detail I could go into of what happened over the next few years, but this is ridiculously long already and I want to make some comments about my life now too. Just briefly though, I should fill in the outline of between then and now.

I did get back with Carl on a more regular basis after about a year, but then out of the blue found I was falling in love 

(you might not think that possible, but that's what I felt) 

with another guy I met. 

I was about eight and a half, maybe coming up to nine at the time and of course he was another adult, about 30 

(I just didn't think of anyone other than adult men as being potential 'boyfriends'). 

I was almost shocked to find that he was scared and pulled back when I started acting sexy with him 

(he wasn't interested in little girls) 

and I was worried I'd done or said something wrong. Gradually I realised how it was and decided I'd have to change his mind. 

It took about three months, but I managed it, and feel I learned a huge amount over that period too. I was quite weird at first, almost like I was teaching him how to have sex 

(no he wasn't a virgin - he just had trouble accepting a little girl could have, and did want to have, sex).

Over the next six or so years I had several other relationships with older men - none obvious or overt until I was about fourteen, when I got into this much more usual 

(ok - still pretty age disparate by most peoples standards) 

boyfriend / girlfriend relationship with a guy of 24. That was the first one my Mum officially knew about, though at the time I'd been dead scared of telling her about him 

(telling her was something that he wanted to do so we could be more open).

From then on I guess I dated pretty much like a normal teen, even going out with a few boys my own age (!) though I still used to have sex with both David and Carl occasionally until I was about seventeen 

(In fact I still know them both, but it's just a platonic friendship now. David is 71 after all! - though I'm sure he'd be quite happy if he could find another seven year old!)

Carl, sadly, was arrested about three years ago for possession of child pornography and went to prison for six months. He's lost his house and some so-called friends because of it, but he's gradually recovering now. 

One thing that made me made incredibly mad about it was the way the newspapers described what he had as - vile filth, pictures of little children being tortured and abused, etc. 

Now I'd seen all the collection he had, I make no apology for it - he's wanted to show me several times over the years, and I've always been interested to look. 

What upsets me most is that that newspaper description is SO far from the truth. He had about 4,000 pictures: I've seen them all - NOT ONE showed any girl that even looked slightly like she might be being forced to do anything, let alone being tortured etc. Most of them were VERY clearly enjoying themselves and I'd be surprised if anyone could have truly described any of them even as looking unhappy! It's the way the papers demonised him, libeling him, because there was no way he could fight back. 

Which kind of brings me back to me. Over the years, while at both junior school and high school, while at work, and as a mother and voluntary worker, I've met many girls and women who've been in, or who've had sexual relationships with adult men while they were under sixteen, very often under ten. Yes, there have been a few that feel they were abused, traumatised; that their life was ruined, turned on it's head, that they could never feel 'right' or 'clean' again.

And the one thing that has struck me about nearly all of these instances is that they were 'discovered' one way or another and that there was a huge furore about what had happened. They couldnít help but feel because of the reactions of those around them that it must have been Ďbadí. And so thatís how they came to see it.

There are also very many women that I've talked to where they weren't discovered, and almost universally they have good feelings 

(or at the very worst, ambivalence) 

about the experience.

There was a girl who joined my junior school when I was ten who had been in a relationship with a neighbour since she was eight and at the time told me it was the most special and wonderful thing in her life. I hope no-one has found out and persuaded her otherwise since. 

There were two girls when I was about twelve that became great friends when we discovered we all had lovers who were in their thirties. One had been having sex as long as she could remember, the other for only about three months, but none of us were ever discovered and we all went on to be popular, go university, got decent jobs, and two of us have families, without any apparent psychological or physical trauma from the experience. One girl is still a great friend and we often reminisce about those years.

There are two other close friends I see regularly, and a third I see occasionally, who have all had sexual relationships in their pre-teen years, and the one thing we all feel strongly about is the way that the whole subject has become not just taboo, but is made out to be the worst crime imaginable, worse than murder or rape! 

And this when we KNOW that in fact if not for the hysteria the huge majority of children in sexual relationships with adults could have a fulfilling and wonderful experience that helps them learn, feel loved, and enjoy physical love in a way that every human being, whatever age, is entitled to.

These aren't the only women I've met over the years that feel that way. There are many others, but most are too cautious to ever say anything to anyone but another woman who feels the same way. You would just get tarred with the same brush that the accusers use for all the child lovers they so glory in attacking. 

I'm so glad I found this site and would like to thank the founders or webmaster or whatever for making this place available. A lot of this is stuff, as you might be able to tell (!) that I have been aching to get off my chest in some kind of PUBLIC way for, well, years.

I know if I wrote to a newspaper there is no-way it would ever get published and I'm afraid I'm not brave enough to create my own web site and put it on there. I talk to as many women as I dare about it, and have occasionally made the mistake of hinting at what I feel and believe to someone who wasn't very sympathetic. But to any of the other girls out there reading this and feeling like you can't really say anything, because no-one will understand - some girls do!

You'd be surprised how many women will have actually had some kind of pleasant sexual experience when they were young - it's overcoming the conditioning that it must have been bad that's the tough bit. But it is possible, so good luck to you all. And to everyone who's read this far, thank you. And sorry for any typos or sentences that don't make sense!

Try to understand, and if possible, send other open minded people here in the hope that they may too understand. Love, Hannah. "

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