“He was more like a boy a bit my senior whom I had under my thumb.”
Lotte describes her relationship with a man as follows:
“I was ten years old when we were sent to a camp for two weeks. One of the teachers, a man I liked very much, went with us. He was about 30 and an easy mixer. All the girls in my class were wild about him.
Then I turned over on my back and said that it felt really nice. But he wouldn't turn over on his back, and I discovered it was because he had an erection. I didn't say anything about it, just talked about how nice it was to be with adults. He seemed very uneasy. I moved closer to him. Holding my breath, I somehow managed to slip my hand under his stomach. He was rather confused and very excited. I lay there and chattered on about everything and nothing. I didn't say a word about what was happening, but I had the feeling it was really shameless.
This was far beyond the limits; I was absolutely, wildly fascinated. I don't know whether he ejaculated or not, but after this I started visiting him; I could see he was expecting me, and we made trips together. I remember once we were standing behind a bicycle shed and he asked me to touch him. We touched each other. I thought I had a very special relationship with him.
This continued even after we returned home from the camp. I went to see him, as a good and conscientious student, and we would sit and talk. The initiative was always mine. He must have been mortally afraid.”
“It continued through the whole summer. But when school started again the fascination on my part faded away, and so it died down. This would have been extremely rude of me if I had been an adult. But the excitement ... And it was nice when he touched me. He desired me and I desired him. I knew it was naughty to have contacts with an adult, but I also thought it was nice.”
What was he to you, aside from the sex?
“He was something but not a kind of father figure. He was more like a boy a bit my senior whom I had under my thumb. I saw him as a peer. He wasn't a pair of comforting arms. It wasn't as though I was doing him a favour; it was more as though I was pressuring him into it. On the other hand, I don't believe he was really afraid.
I lived very much in my own world. I didn't have any close girl friends. I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my parents. I was definitely not naive and was quite aware of what I was doing.
A smile full of secrecy?
“A little 'we know what we did' sort of smile. It's gone on all these years. And that is all I can say about him.
You weren't the innocent little girl people would normally have expected you to be. How did you feel about being so different from the norm?
“I never thought about it. It was only when I was 14 or 15 that I discovered that a girl is supposed to wait until a man takes the initiative ... I never wanted to join in the game that I was so small, and so submissive, and so neglected, and then comes the brave knight and saves me, and I am oh, so grateful; and then that's it. That's just too boring and too easy.”