Passionate relationship

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GM-29 - A woman sent T. Rivas several messages revealing her identity but wishes to remain anonymous here.

Here are some relevant passages of her e-mail from August 2004: 

"From my 14th to my 18th year, I had a relationship with someone who was thirteen years older. I actually knew this person all my life, and my first memories in this respect date from when I was four. 

I vaguely recall how he was "playing" with me and that he allowed me to play with his penis as well and that he got aroused. I was a young, naive and innocent child and did not know something was wrong about that. I think I even liked it, because I have the impression that I don't have unpleasant memories of it. 

When I was fourteen, he helped me improve my English. At the time he also had a girl-friend. As the lessons continued, he fell in love with me. In those days I also met my first boy-friend [of my own age], but when I was with him I noticed that I was fantasizing more about the older person than about my own boyfriend. I felt a bit guilty and forced myself to fantasize about the boy-friend. [...] 

During the six months that followed I also fell in love with this [older] person but I did not know what to do with those feelings. They confused me. He was much too old for me and I knew that my parents and environment would never accept it. All the same, my feelings kept growing stronger. 

After a while he tried to touch me, but I got scared and pushed him away and walked away. On the one hand I really wanted to, but on the other hand I was afraid. He was so much older, he had a girl-friend, and still I felt he wanted me and I wanted him. 

A couple of months later we started something after all. The first kiss, the first real touches and I liked it all. This relationship began when I was fourteen years old, around Christmas. The following four years, I only saw him now and then, there were often months, half year or even a year between our meetings. He often went abroad for his work. Also, our relationship was not supposed to be revealed. [...] 

We had a pleasant, passionate relationship. We played with each other until I was sixteen and then I finally wanted to go “further”. […] 

During our relationship I did not see him as a 'pedophile', but simply as a man I passionately fell in love with and with him I had a passionate relationship.”

From a researcher's perspective, this case is far from ideal. The erotic contact between the respondent and the man who was later to become her lover appears to have started in a possibly dubious manner, and the respondent has only vague recollections of this. 
Also, one may describe her position when they started seeing each other more regularly as that of a secret mistress. 
However, the respondent herself is very positive about the relationship and that is why I have decided to include it anyway.

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