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Positive memories  

Cases of positive memories of erotic and platonic relationships and contacts of children with adults, as seen from the perspective of the former minor

T. Rivas

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There are several versions of this book:

English: (3th Edition - 2016 - html)

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Deutsch: 

PDF version[Dritte Auflage]
Positive Erinnerungen - Fälle von positiven Erinnerungen an erotische und platonische Beziehungen und Kontakte von Minderjährigen mit Erwachsenen gesehen aus der Perspektive des früher Jüngeren. Übersetzung: Filip Schuster; Ipce, 2014-2017

Russian: 

PDF version (3th Edition): Pozitivnye Vospominanija 

 

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English (3th Ed.)

Russian (3th Ed.

Deutsch (Dritte Auflage)

Cover 

Title 

Text 

Pozitivnye Vospominanija 

Das Buch (1.44 MB)

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Introduction

1. BM: Boy-Man (67 BM stories)

2. BW: Boy-Woman (11 BW stories)

3. GM: Girl-Man (37 GM stories)

4. GW: Girl-Woman (10 GW stories)

5. LC: “Loose Contacts.” (25 LC stories)

6. PR: Memories of a Platonic relationship. (5 PR stories)

Discussion 

Findings 

Important ethical criteria 

A role for the parents or care-takers 

Information 

Consensual relationships and their interpretation 

Negative consequences of consensual relationships? 

The prevention of harm 

Harm caused by reactionary forces  

Consensual and positive, but immoral nonetheless? 

Literature 

Introduction

Ipce is a forum for people who are engaged in scholarly discussion about the understanding and emancipation of mutual relationships between children or adolescents and adults. 

Ipce has given me the opportunity to publish this collection of positive memories of intergenerational relationships and contacts of children with adults.  

This may seem surprising in this age of widespread disclosure of sexual child abuse and an almost general societal consensus that 'pedophilia' is by its very nature morally wrong.  We're living in times in which more and more cases of sexual child abuse are being revealed, which, in itself, should be applauded. Unfortunately, associating real and shocking child abuse with any type of 'pedophile' relationship appears to have become a Pavlovian response, to the extent that many consider it outrageous even to discuss the very notion of positive relationships. 

However, as this collection tries to show, there is a considerable number of cases in which the relationship between a child and an adult is remembered as consensual (in the non-judicial sense of 'approved by the minor'), positive and psychologically harmless by the former child. Due to contemporary taboos, it is very difficult to give such cases the attention they deserve as a mostly ignored part of reality. 

Many of these cases are derived from other collections with the collectors' permission, for which I'd like to thank them. Any articles and books from which the testimonies are derived are, for the reader's comfort, mentioned in the text itself as well as  in a separate general list of references. If no specific source is mentioned, the case was taken from an internet forum or website that is no longer online.  

The reader should be well aware that I'm not claiming to be the first or only person to give attention to such cases. I fully acknowledge that this book is part of a much broader tradition. Major examples of other names in this field are: Frits Bernard, Edward Brongersma, Theo Sandfort, Terry Leahy, B. Rind, P. Tromovitch, R. Bauserman, and Tom O'Carroll, etc. (See: Literature

In general, we see that positive "child love" relationships really occur in all combinations: 

1. BM: Boy-Man (67 BM stories)
 
2. BW: Boy-Woman (11 BW stories)
 
3. GM: Girl-Man (37 GM stories)
 
4. GW: Girl-Woman (10 GW stories) 
 
I have added a fifth category which I call 
 

5. LC: “Loose Contacts.” (25 LC stories)

The primary focus of the book is on relationships with erotic aspects rather than on sex as such. I have included this fifth category simply to show that some sexual contacts can be consensual and harmless even outside the context of a larger relationship. 

This category refers to contacts that occurred outside a significant love relationship, simply for the sexual gratification of both partners. This phenomenon deserves respect, but it is quite different from affectionate and romantic relationships.

6. PR: And a sixth category concerning memories of a Platonic relationship. (5 PR stories)

Thus far, I've only found a few cases of this type. 
I've included these platonic relationships because they involve the same kind of horizontal, personal affection that is common in erotic relationships, and also because the adult in such relationships is often called a 'pedophile', even if only in the emotional sense. In exceptional "erotic" relationships here presented there was hardly any physical contact, but I have not listed such cases under platonic relationships if the former child felt really in love with the adult and longed for such contact.  

Rather surprisingly, recollections of positive platonic relationships with adults who seem to have a (partially or entirely) 'pedophile' background, are much rarer in the literature than accounts about memories of positive erotic relationships. I do not know how to interpret this fact. To be sure, recorded cases of negative platonic relationships are at least as scarce. 

Besides, positive memories of erotic friendships already demonstrate that minors and adults can voluntarily engage in personal relationships with each other. In this sense, they also amount to evidence for a potential for platonic relationships. In other words, if we accept that erotic relationships between minors and adults can be voluntary and harmless, we should not doubt that platonic relationships can be voluntary and harmless too. 

(In this sense, even readers with 'pedophile' feelings who consider erotic relationships intrinsically immoral, should, paradoxically, welcome the positive memories of erotic relationships in this book.)

That makes 155 stories in total

For a few other cases that were added at a later stage, see the Appendix

These stories are followed by a Discussion.  My central thesis is that 'pedophile' relationships, i.e. horizontal affectionate relationships between a minor and an adult outside the child's family, should be judged on their own individual merits rather than on the basis of the sex or age of the child.  My main criteria for including a particular case in this collection are: 
 

the relationship was voluntary, i.e. consensual from the child's subjective perspective; 
 

it was positive, meaning that the child did not experience it as ambiguous, let alone negative, in any important respect; 

(In practice, this means that the former child may find certain actions rather imprudent from a societal or legal perspective, but not intrinsically morally wrong in the sense of going against his or her own wishes.)
 

the person reporting the experiences (the former child) is nearly 18 or older and he or she was not older than 15 when the relationship started; 
 

the older partner was 18 or older during the relationship; the adult was so much older than the child or teenager that even many 'liberal' people would nowadays consider the relationship inappropriate. For example, a relationship between a person of 18 and a boy or girl of 15 is not included, but a relationship between an 18-year-old and a 12-year-old is; 
 

it did not involve sex with siblings or parents; 
 

the person recalling his or her experiences as a child, for all we know, has not developed a pedophile orientation or preference for relationships with minors;  
 

the former child does not have a criminal record as a sex offender and 
 

the child was not paid for any sexual services.
 

Except for the platonic ones, all of the cases included have a physical erotic aspect. Consensual sexuality between adults and minors is based on forms of erotic contact that may occur in relationships between two minors.  Taken together, these cases clearly appear to establish the following facts: 
 
There are consensual and harmless platonic and erotic relationships between children and adults. 
 
Many of these relationships involve friendship, affection, and personal love. 
 
They can start even before the child is twelve years old. 
 

Positive child love relationships occur in all combinations (boy-man, boy-woman, girl-man, and girl-woman).  

This collection should not be used to promote the idea that all or even most kinds of 'pedophile' contacts are morally sound or that real sexual abuse would be relatively harmless. It aims exclusively at an increase in awareness of positive, consensual intergenerational relationships with children and at the societal acceptance of such relationships.  

(We're exclusively talking here about voluntary, non-incestual relationships and contacts that minors engage in, not about other things, such as supposedly 'benevolent' arranged marriages with minors, etc.)

I wish to thank everyone who helped me collect these cases or correct the English. Among them, I owe special thanks to Dr. Frans E.J. Gieles. 

The changes in the second edition were made in 2013. 

Readers can reach me at < ipcetrivas@gmail.com >.

T. Rivas