Keywords: satire, witch hunt

Jackboot Jacqui brings back the ducking stool

Littlejohn, Richard; Sep 16 2008
Type of WorkSatire

Richard Littleton, The Daily Mail, UK, 16 September 2008

"Good morning, here is the news.

The Government has today announced plans to bring back the ducking stool in a new crackdown on paedophiles.

Anyone remotely suspected of having an unhealthy interest in children will be immersed in freezing water until they confess. If they still refuse to admit their guilt, they will be handed over to a committee of Accredited Persons, who will be authorised to burn down their houses and kill them.

Under new provisions, known as Jacqui's Law, gibbets are to be erected in public parks for the summary execution of any unaccompanied adult discovered within a five-mile radius of an adventure playground.

Dismissing fears that this could lead to miscarriages of justice, the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said it was better that one innocent man went to the gallows than millions of toddlers were molested in their beds.

Her statement follows the lynching of an attendant at a council boating lake, who was spotted sitting beside a notice advertising pedalos for hire.

Accredited Persons are being given free rein to batter down the front doors of suspected paedophiles living in any town which has a school. They are empowered to seize computers and search record collections for copies of Gary Glitter's Greatest Hits.

They are also authorised to search pantries for traces of confectionery, which could be used to lure unsuspecting youngsters into a fate worse than death.

Under Jacqui's Law, no adult will be able to buy a packet of jelly babies without a licence and a full criminal record check. Those who refuse to comply will be tarred and feathered and have 'Nonce' tattooed on their forehead.

From midnight tonight, it will become an offence - punishable by up to 30 years in prison - to walk a dog in a public place. The Home Secretary said it was a well-known tactic of predators to use a puppy as a pretence for abducting children for the purposes of the vilest forms of sexual gratification.

Better to keep all dog-walkers off the streets than risk a repeat of what happened to Sarah and Maddie.

When it was pointed out that Madeleine McCann was snatched from a holiday apartment in Portugal, Miss Smith said it only went to show you couldn't be too careful. You never knew where these monsters would strike next.

That's why the Government is to bring forward plans to make everyone who comes into contact with children undertake ordeal by fire.

Schoolteachers, scout-masters and sports coaches will have to walk barefoot across red-hot coals to prove they do not harbour lascivious thoughts towards the young people in their charge. Anyone failing to complete the five-mile course will be burned at the stake....."

- - -  [Back to reality] - - -

OK, so you get the gist. But ducking stools are only one step beyond what is already official government policy.

Not content with giving her vigilante army of Accredited Persons quasi-police powers to spy on us and hand out fines, Jackboot Jacqui has decided to permit just about anyone to snoop into other people's backgrounds.

Single mums will be allowed to demand criminal record checks on their boyfriends to make sure they're not paedos, real or imagined.

Police will be required to provide details not only of arrests and convictions, but also acquittals and suspicions of 'worrying behaviour'.

Even grandparents and neighbours can demand an investigation into the background of any person who comes into contact with the children of family or friends.

In practice, that means absolutely everyone, unless you happen to be a hermit living in a cave in the Orkneys.

Ministers and police chiefs insist that those under suspicion will welcome the opportunity to prove they have nothing to hide.

Ah, yes. Those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear. Where have we heard that before? It's the mantra of the tyrant down the ages.