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Rainer interviews a woman who has had an intimate relationship with her lesbian mother. 

A case taken from a disappeared website, but still available at  
< http://newgon.com/CPP/HFP-Cat-004.htm >.

See Once Against now supporting by C. in HFP Mailbag, April 2005. 

I would be very curious to hear about the circumstances of your upbringing; where you grew up, the nature of your social life, etc.

Basically my mom raised me, after having me with the help of a friend who's still a big part of our life. Somehow she grew up lesbian without ever taking seriously the idea that anything was wrong with her for that, and she taught me the same confidence.

It seems to me almost inconceivable that you wouldn't have had periods of great confusion and doubt regarding your relationship with your mother, especially as you learned how such a relationship was viewed by society at large.

I have no more belief in the infallibility of society's conclusions that I do in Santa Claus (No, I never believed in Santa Claus). The same society that said I shouldn't want to nibble on my mom also said that some of the finest people I knew were evil because they were gay or weren't Christian or some-such. I simply couldn't take society's claims at face value in contradiction to my own sense of right and wrong. Society has said all sorts of crazy things - that the earth is flat, that slavery is okay, that women are property. Obviously society's judgment is off. The greater doubt has been endured by my mother, who might never have seen me in a romantic light had I not impulsively kissed her on the lips one day. 

Oh, there's a technical term for what one is doing when one asserts that an idea is correct because it is popular (you didn't do this in that you never said society was right, but lots of people do): Appeal to popularity fallacy.

How did you come to decide that this relationship was healthy rather than sick and exploitative?

I define and always have defined "sick" as either literally ill (mentally or physically), or motivated by cruelty or exploitation. I find no rational basis for considering my attraction toward my mother (or hers toward me) as mentally sick, especially since it's established among psychologists that such attractions are quite common even when they're not acted on. 

As for possibly being motivated by cruelty, my mother has treated me with a level of respect that I rarely find in other families. She's always talked to me on an adult level, and never sugarcoated things because she knew I could handle reality. And since it was several years into our relationship before she was comfortable with letting me pleasure her, I find it unlikely that the previous years of her giving me pleasure simply because I asked for it were somehow her exploiting me.

Even if you are comfortable with it now, isn't it categorically wrong for a parental figure to enter into a relationship with an eight year old child who does not yet have a full understanding of herself and the world she lives in?

Wrong how? I'll assume you mean ethically. If you mean morally, I'd mention that obviously my morals do allow this type of relationship or I wouldn't be in it. And of course morality can't be imposed externally. Ethics can be. 

Now - I'm American, and I operate by rights-based ethics. That's what the Bill of Rights (however vague) is based on, and from the looks of it most of Western society too. By that standard, an unethical sexual relationship would be a forced one 

(no factor besides consent is evaluated by rights-based ethics where sex is concerned). 

I say I consented. Even if that's somehow false, no external standard can prove that it is. Did I have a full understanding of myself or the world? No. Nor do I have them now. Nor does anybody regardless of age or maturity level. The question is what level of understanding a person needs, not whether it should be 'complete,' since it can never be complete unless they're gods or Q or something like that. 

With reference to age eight, when the relationship began, I understood why I wanted my mom to touch me a certain way - it felt amazing and loving and relaxing, and it satisfied my attraction to her. I understood that I wanted her to do it because she was the one I loved the most and was most attracted to. 

I didn't need to know about pregnancy, since I wasn't with a male who could get me pregnant (although I did know about pregnancy). I knew some about STDs, but touching is very low risk for those and we don't expect adults to know everything about those before we let them have sex. And we talked all the time about the possibility of a platonic relationship if we wanted one.

I am not suggesting that you have been brainwashed, but I would really like to know how such a relationship actually works and develops, and whether you felt that it was a choice from the beginning rather an imposition that you eventually became comfortable with and attached to.

Basically I realized I was attracted to my mom, and gradually began to express that attraction until it led up to kissing and touching. I fail to see how it could have been imposed by my mother, since it wasn't initiated by her and she was the more cautious of the two of us.

Another thing I've got to mention is that my mom took lots of steps to give me more freedom from her, so I could be sure I was doing what I wanted to do. This took the form of legal emancipation as soon as it was available. Hope that answers your questions.

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