Chapter 8 - First Confession

“He would be lost without you.”

That was a thoughtful sentiment, told to me in a hushed tone, by an old friend, and once lover, of mine, after we spent the day together, with David.

I tried really hard to be gay, in my early 20’s. I spent six years living with another man. It was then that I found Boychat and through reading and talking with others there, realized that I wasn’t one of the rare pedophiles that didn’t want to rape and strangle children, instead, I was in the majority group. I’ve changed my thinking since about what causes the very small minority to hurt kids, but it’s not important to this memory.

I started writing about friendships I’d had with boys, previous to my unsuccessful bid to be happy with another man. It was because of this phase, doomed though it was, that I was able to safely make it through years that I believe would have been too precarious for me to safely navigate through. I wouldn’t change a thing about it, even though it was misery for me, much of the time, I think it was just what I needed.

With David, I could be as honest as possible without worry inhibiting it, so he had already been told about my once (and only) previous lover, Richard.

“He and I were lovers.” I reminded David, after he asked who Richard was, during the drive up North to see him.

“So, you guys had sex together?” He asked.

I laughed a little and replied, “Yes, we did.”

“Do you think he will like me?” He asked.

“Of course he will, bud!” I assured him. “But he’s gay; not into little boys, so don’t think that your evil charms will work on him!” I kidded.

“I’m not gay.” He bluntly stated.

That was something I already knew and actually was thankful for. My past experience with a gay young friend that couldn’t accept just being friends, once he became nearly legal, had made me leery of them. Fortunately, it was easy to see how wiggly David got when he was around a young lady or pretty woman.

“I know that, bud. You’re straight and that’s great.” I told him.

He contemplated for a little bit, then overreached, by saying,

“But I think I may be bi.”

Being “bi” is so in vogue, these days…

“No, I don’t think so buddy. Let’s think about this,” I said, “Do you think of girls, when you jerk off?”

Embarrassed, he replied, “You already know the websites I go to…”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’” I replied.

“Do you like gay porn?” I asked.

“No, I mean, I’m not disgusted by it or anything, it just doesn’t do anything for me.” He stated.

“Well, there you go, bud. You’re straight.” I told him.

He was clearly perplexed by his conflicting emotions; strong feelings for me, a guy, while also knowing that he was straight. I tried to offer some insight into how that is possible.

“Buddy, I know you love me and sometimes we act like we’re lovers, but this is just temporary for you. It’s enjoyable now and you’ll have fond memories of our time together, then you’ll move on to girls. Don’t ever let yourself think that you’re gay or even bi, just because of how you feel about one person. Now, if you start wanting to give cute guys blowjobs, we can safely assume that you’re bi.” I explained.

He seemed to like that explanation and beamed at me, in approval, but then got serious again.

“Well I don’t want you and Richard to be lovers, even if I am straight!” He told me, slightly angry.

And with that, I finally understood his conundrum, fully.

“Aw buddy, that was a few years ago. Richard knows that I don’t like men, and he also knows that I’m a Boylover and you’re my young friend. So don’t worry, I don’t like Richard in that way. We’re just going to visit. I want you guys to meet each other.” I told him.

“Okay, I get it now.” He responded.

While I may have wondered occasionally whether or not my friendship with David would be detrimental to the natural blossoming of his true sexuality, by simply making him less inhibited to alternatives, the evidence for it just never materialized. He had gay friends once he was in high school who liked him and even tried to get him into bed a few times, but he never took them up on it; was merely flattered, and continued with the friendships.

We eventually arrived after a long drive; both worn out and road weary.

“Hey!” I shouted to Richard as I got out of the car.

David bashfully walked beside me as I approached his home.

We embraced while David stood behind me. Apparently, we hugged too long because I felt a small fist, punch me in the back...

I turned and introduced them to one another.

“Richard, you know who this is already I’m sure. David, this is my old friend Richard.” I said.

“Hi David,” Richard greeted him, while putting out his hand to shake.

“Hello.” David replied.

It’s hard for anyone not to like Richard. He is adored by his friends, male and female, to nearly the degree that Boylovers are adored by their boys, so I was sure that David would quickly like him, as well.

“God, you were right, he is adorable!” Richard said, embarrassing David in the process. But he still managed to politely squeak out, “Thanks” with a smile.

“Come inside, come inside!” Richard told us.

We sat around for a bit, chitchatting. He showed me some pictures of some of his friends’ kids; got me up to speed on his family and how everyone’s doing; the usual processes of getting reacquainted. David wandered the house a little, getting nosey and curious, what with this being the first gay man’s home he had been in. As he disappeared around a corner, following whatever instinct was guiding his feet, Richard turned our conversation more pertinent.

“I wish I could have made you this happy. I can see it on your face and it's a look that in six years, I never saw. It’s so obvious when you’re with him, just how much he means to you and how much you mean to him.” He said.

“When I last saw you and you told me you liked boys in this way, I didn’t believe you. I thought it was just an excuse you used to make me feel better about our relationship ending. But I was wrong. I am so happy for you. You deserve this.” He told me, finishing with a hug.

“Thanks for saying that.” I told him.

“You have nice house.” David complimented Richard as he walked back into the room.

“Well, thanks David. Would you like to see the lake and feed the ducks?” He asked.

“Yeah!” He exclaimed.

As we walked towards the lake, chatting about this and that, David grabbed and held onto my hand, a gesture which obviously meant he was comfortable with Richard knowing how he felt; either that or he just did it so that Richard would realize that I belonged to him now! Either way, it felt great to walk hand in hand with him, while being around the person who I tried to fool for so long into thinking that I was attracted to him and guys in general.

“Here bud, take these quarters and go get some food out of those machines, to feed the ducks with.” I told him, pointing towards the duck feeders.

“Oh sweet!” He exclaimed before tearing off towards them.

Richard and I watched as he ran off, both noticing the same thing.

“Well, you were right about one thing for sure,” Richard said, “That boy has a fine you know what… I'd tap it." He joked.

“I told you!” I said in agreement then added, “It’s perfect.”

“And he loves you so much. He would be lost without you.” Richard said, his voice trailing off, like he was simply thinking out loud.

“I think I’d be lost without him, too.” I admitted.

We spent the entire day together. Reminiscing about the past and wondering about the future. It made me consider how wonderful it must feel for two men who are in love, to adopt a boy. And what a lucky boy he would be.

After the lake, we went shopping at a nearby mall, and I noticed some of the looks we received while both fielding David’s incessant questions or buying him treats. Two men and a boy – it’s not that uncommon to see – but I do think I understand why we were a curiosity to some. Still, I can’t imagine how difficult it can become for gay men who have adopted and go out in public with their children.

“Richard,” David asked during dinner, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

I wasn’t shocked at how comfortable David had become around him so quickly, nor was I worried that he’d put Richard on the spot with his question, so I sat back with a grin and waited for his answer.

“No, not at the moment, David,” Richard replied.

“Oh, just wondering.” David told him.

The night wore on and eventually it became late.

“You guys are more than welcome to stay the night, here.” Richard offered, while nodding at David, who had fallen asleep on the couch.

“That’d be great, but I have to get David into something before he gets too comfortable over there; for your couches protection…” I told him, hoping he’d understand without me needing to explain further.

“Oh…ouch…okay, you go do that, I’ll be out on the deck, smoking a cigarette.” He replied, apparently realizing why I brought in that bag from the car, earlier.

“Hu wha…” David mumbled from his slumber while I got him ready for bed, before joining Richard out on the deck.

“I’m glad you came up.” He told me as I stepped outside.

“Give me one of those things.” I requested, pointing towards his pack of cigarettes.

I lit it up, coughed, then carried on; giving in to an old habit, just one more time.

“Thought you quit?” Richard asked.

“Yeah, I did. I just want one for old time’s sake.” I replied, quickly realizing my poor choice of words.

“No you don’t,” Richard said. “No you don’t.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.” I responded, and then joined Richard in laughter.

We sat out there for a couple hours; smoking and drinking, me trying to monitor myself so I wouldn’t end up getting tipsy enough to do anything I’d regret, and stay aware enough so I’d hear if David awoke and started bumbling around – wouldn’t want him to see me with a beer and a smoke...

It wasn’t two Boylovers sharing an evening together while one of their babies slept inside, but it was close enough to make that possibility, one day, seem appealing to me; and comforting to realize for the first time (though not the only time) that even a so-called normal guy is capable of understanding and accepting us, and our boys.